Sunday, August 24, 2008
Carlin on sport
To my way of thinking there are really only three sports: baseball,
basketball, and football. Everything else is either a game or an activity.
Hockey comes to mind. People think hockey is a sport. It's not. Hockey is
three activities taking place at the same time: ice skating, fooling around
with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody. If these guys had more
brains then teeth, they'd do these things one at a time. First go
ice-skating, then fool around with a puck, then you go to the bar and beat
the shit out of somebody. The day would last longer, and these guys would
have a lot more fun. Another reason why hockey isn't a sport is that it's not
played with a ball. Anything not played with a ball can't be a sport. These
are my rules, I make 'em up.
Soccer. Soccer is not a sport because you can't use your arms. Anything where
you can't use your arms can't be a sport. Tap dancing isn't a sport. I rest
my case.
Running. People think running is a sport. Running isn't a sport because
anybody can do it. I can run, you can run. For Christ sakes, my mother can
run! You don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you?
Swimming. Swimming isn't a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning.
That's just common sense. Sailing isn't a sport. Sailing is a way to get
somewhere. Riding the bus isn't a sport, why the fuck should sailing be a
sport?
Boxing is not a sport either. Boxing is a way to beat the shit out of
somebody. In that respect, boxing is actually a more sophisticated way of
hockey. In spite of what the police tell you, beating the shit out of
somebody is not a sport. When police brutality becomes an Olympic event,
fine, then boxing can be a sport.
Bowling. Bowling isn't a sport because you have to rent shoes. Don't forget,
these are my rules. I make 'em up.
Billiards. Some people think billiards is a sport, but it can't be, because
there's no chance of serious injury. Unless, of course, you welch on a bet in
a tough neighborhood. Then, if you wind up with a pool cue stickin' out of
your ass, you know you might be the victim of a sports-related injury. But
that ain't billiards, that's pool, and that starts with a P, and that rhymes
with D, and that brings me to darts.
Darts could have been a sport, because at least there's a chance to put
someone's eye out. But, alas, darts will never be a sport, because the whole
object of the game is to reach zero, which goes against all sports logic.
Lacrosse is not a sport; lacrosse is a faggoty college activity. I don't care
how rough it is, anytime you're running around a field, waving a stick with a
little net on the end of it, you're engaged in a faggoty college activity.
Period.
Field hockey and fencing. Same thing. Faggoty college shit. Also these
activities aren't sports, because you can't gamble on them. Anything you
can't gamble on can't be a sport. When was the last time you made a fuckin'
fencing bet?
Gymnastics is not a sport because Romanians are good at it. It took me a long
time to come up with that rule, but goddammit, I did it.
Polo isn't a sport. Polo is golf on horseback. Without holes. It's a great
concept, but not a sport. And as far as water polo is concerned, I hesitate
to even mention it, because it's extremely cruel to horses.
Which brings me to hunting. You think hunting is a sport? Ask the deer. The
only good thing about hunting is the many fatal accidents on the weekends.
And, of course, the permanently disfigured hunters who survive such
accidents.
Then you have tennis. Tennis is very trendy and very fruity, but it's not a
sport. It's just a way to meet other trendy fruits. Technically, tennis is an
advanced form a Ping-Pong. In fact, tennis is Ping-Pong played while standing
on the table. Great concept, not a sport.
In fact, all racket games are nothing more the derivatives of Ping-Pong. Even
volleyball is, technically, racketless, team Ping-Pong played with an
inflated ball and raised net while standing on the table.
And finally welcome to golf. For my full take on golf, I refer you elsewhere
in the book, but let it just be said golf is a game that might possibly be
fun, if it could be played alone. But it's the vacuous, striving,
superficial, male-bonding joiners one has to associate with that makes it
such a repulsive pastime. And it is decidedly not a sport. Period.
From George Carlin's book Napalm and Silly Putty
basketball, and football. Everything else is either a game or an activity.
Hockey comes to mind. People think hockey is a sport. It's not. Hockey is
three activities taking place at the same time: ice skating, fooling around
with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody. If these guys had more
brains then teeth, they'd do these things one at a time. First go
ice-skating, then fool around with a puck, then you go to the bar and beat
the shit out of somebody. The day would last longer, and these guys would
have a lot more fun. Another reason why hockey isn't a sport is that it's not
played with a ball. Anything not played with a ball can't be a sport. These
are my rules, I make 'em up.
Soccer. Soccer is not a sport because you can't use your arms. Anything where
you can't use your arms can't be a sport. Tap dancing isn't a sport. I rest
my case.
Running. People think running is a sport. Running isn't a sport because
anybody can do it. I can run, you can run. For Christ sakes, my mother can
run! You don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you?
Swimming. Swimming isn't a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning.
That's just common sense. Sailing isn't a sport. Sailing is a way to get
somewhere. Riding the bus isn't a sport, why the fuck should sailing be a
sport?
Boxing is not a sport either. Boxing is a way to beat the shit out of
somebody. In that respect, boxing is actually a more sophisticated way of
hockey. In spite of what the police tell you, beating the shit out of
somebody is not a sport. When police brutality becomes an Olympic event,
fine, then boxing can be a sport.
Bowling. Bowling isn't a sport because you have to rent shoes. Don't forget,
these are my rules. I make 'em up.
Billiards. Some people think billiards is a sport, but it can't be, because
there's no chance of serious injury. Unless, of course, you welch on a bet in
a tough neighborhood. Then, if you wind up with a pool cue stickin' out of
your ass, you know you might be the victim of a sports-related injury. But
that ain't billiards, that's pool, and that starts with a P, and that rhymes
with D, and that brings me to darts.
Darts could have been a sport, because at least there's a chance to put
someone's eye out. But, alas, darts will never be a sport, because the whole
object of the game is to reach zero, which goes against all sports logic.
Lacrosse is not a sport; lacrosse is a faggoty college activity. I don't care
how rough it is, anytime you're running around a field, waving a stick with a
little net on the end of it, you're engaged in a faggoty college activity.
Period.
Field hockey and fencing. Same thing. Faggoty college shit. Also these
activities aren't sports, because you can't gamble on them. Anything you
can't gamble on can't be a sport. When was the last time you made a fuckin'
fencing bet?
Gymnastics is not a sport because Romanians are good at it. It took me a long
time to come up with that rule, but goddammit, I did it.
Polo isn't a sport. Polo is golf on horseback. Without holes. It's a great
concept, but not a sport. And as far as water polo is concerned, I hesitate
to even mention it, because it's extremely cruel to horses.
Which brings me to hunting. You think hunting is a sport? Ask the deer. The
only good thing about hunting is the many fatal accidents on the weekends.
And, of course, the permanently disfigured hunters who survive such
accidents.
Then you have tennis. Tennis is very trendy and very fruity, but it's not a
sport. It's just a way to meet other trendy fruits. Technically, tennis is an
advanced form a Ping-Pong. In fact, tennis is Ping-Pong played while standing
on the table. Great concept, not a sport.
In fact, all racket games are nothing more the derivatives of Ping-Pong. Even
volleyball is, technically, racketless, team Ping-Pong played with an
inflated ball and raised net while standing on the table.
And finally welcome to golf. For my full take on golf, I refer you elsewhere
in the book, but let it just be said golf is a game that might possibly be
fun, if it could be played alone. But it's the vacuous, striving,
superficial, male-bonding joiners one has to associate with that makes it
such a repulsive pastime. And it is decidedly not a sport. Period.
From George Carlin's book Napalm and Silly Putty
